.::Wednesday, December 31, 2003 wat is it that i am feelin rite now...this negativity i am feelin is ruinin my dayz...its ruinin this wk...wat has triggered it...is it because of outside influences...or is it that i m abt to explode and this are the tell tale signs....or rather say symptoms...i really dunnoe...its all abt choices...its all abt pleasin everyone...its abt stretchin myself to the limit...and its just so tirin so stressfull so frustratin and i dunnoe whether to feel pissed or wat...its just that this whole month of dec...its not like it used to be...my family is like i dun noe them anymore...its like i m just lodgin and sappin resources frm a trustfund...i am just sad rite now to the extent my family looks and feels like...its just that although it seems fine on the outside and that it seems that we r all open to one another...its just that the feelin is just not there...the feelin of togetherness...i dunnoe...i feel as if its my fault...my fault that i cant go home in time and spend real time together...even just time on the dinner table is enough...but i dunnoe i really dunnoe...its horrible now...its as if i m just nobody in this house...its like i hv no connection...why...on the other hand there are friends...friends in church...friends in volunteerin...friends in sch...and its hard puttin who first in line when it comes to spendin time...it just leaves me in a fix coz i hate it when friends just talk behind ur back and say all those stupid things that are not to be said...its like "fine ditch us then..."...you know those kind of bickerin...it just irritates me to noe abt frens who just do that and i suspect i hv some who do...and i hate it...and i noe the worse thing a friend can do to me is to betray my trust and that is the worst of the worst...and i noe bein open is one of my weaknesses and that is why i hv tried to limit who i wish to be open too....anyway the point is i hate the talkin...what am i to do now...and now the thing is that who am i suppose to spend new yrs with...frenz or family...i dunnoe really...i m so in a fix now that i cant decide...and a part of me says that i shd spend it all alone in this blue room since at the moment i feel kinda blue...so i dunnoe...is the new yr cheer suppose to be like this or is there something missing in my life at the moment...haiz...yeah... my mind is just negative at the moment...and i still cant make my mind up...and that headache is back...and now after all this thoughts and feelin...i dunnoe myself anymore...i think...
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