[ Up aGaInsT tHe WaLl]

.::Tuesday, August 31, 2004
word of the moment:exuberance

well never had a great moment of laughter for such a while..met up with my old fajar drama buddies and my ex-drama teacher...had a laugh of a time...haha....went to siam kitchen then we were like crazy standin outside the door of the restaurant and like just crackin jokes...hahah well tats not the best part...the best one was at swensens and we walked in laughin and laughin...and when we were orderin we were like so crazy that we cracked up in front of the waiter...then its was crazy...if u were frm another table u would hv thought we were all high...well suppose its the long time no see syndrome that we talked abt memories past...all those funny times durin drama...the small little jokes etc...its been a while since i had so much laughter this yr...apparently only 2grps make me enjoy so much...my fajar drama frens and of course the ever lovable yf!!!...hahha...

anyway...i suppose rumour might be goin that my room has turned into an eternal dump...and yes i will say my room is an eternal dump...might need a miniature bulldozer to clear em up...suppose that will be done tonight...hopefully stay up the whole mornin clearin and sortin up my papers...shucks really embarassing...ya....well...yup gotta do it...suppose like one fren said dunnoe who lar...u gotta start or else it wll never be done...

*Just*another day in my life 11:50 PM
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word of the day: detatched

i feel kinda detatched frm my blog all of a sudden...hmmm really not sure why...coz whenever i stare at the screen i just cant seem to find wat to write on...apparently i suppose i write with a reason in mind...rite now there isnt a reason to write...anyway wat am i blabbering abt...well just wanna say guys dont worry bout me bloggin...i may just take like 5 days blog once i mean the last time i mentioned abt not bloggin that was in may or june...that i stopped for abt 30 days???...anyway my blog is turnin one this 13th sept...ya...well dunnoe why i sound so excited...its just dat i feel that its grt keepin somethin alive for more than you can imagine...which just brings back memories...haiz...haha....well i suppose bein guys better look forward for nxt months edition...will find a way to spice up this site...haha...ya...

with open arms you beckon me to come...
with open arms you embrace me by your side...
with open arms you didnt shun me away despite who I am...
with open arms you taught me how to live my days...

with open arms I call my friend to come...
with open arms I will embrace my friend by my side...
with open arms I won't shun you away despite what you've done...
with open arms I will teach you how to live your days...

True Love is like a father receiving his lost son who walked out of his life...
True Love is never selfish nor meant for any specific person...
True Love are not empty promises that will be broken...
True Love is something we can never hv unless....

With open arms He beckoned me...
His long lost son...undeserving for what I am...
Yet with open arms He accepts me..

*Just*another day in my life 4:34 PM
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.::Friday, August 27, 2004
just had dinner...funny how moods just swing frm one to another...had an argument with my bros over somethings...haiz...shant talk bout it here...actually wanted to...but i suppose not...let my steam off somewhere i suppose...ya...haiz...rock music...a tool so neutral...that in the end it all depends who is in control of it...for you may not noe how powerful music is to one's life...coz look at urs...

"you think your life doesnt affect me...think again...your my bro for crying out loud...if thats how you wanna be then so be it...all i can do is just pray for you to realise wat your doing and come to know what i hv known...and i noe u wont listen to me coz of wat u think of me...sighs...i love you guys much...and i dun wanna lose you guys..."

*Just*another day in my life 7:41 PM
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Word of the day:unpredictable

its a word that sometimes we too often take for granted...a word that we say but truly in a way mock at the reality of such an idea...when u say life is unpredictable...do you really believe it is or you are just fooling yourself over the idea...the reason here is not abt life bein unpredictable...we all noe it is...somewhere in our faint imagination we believe it is...and when something terrible happens we all realise-like some trigger in our minds- that life truly is unpredictable...so i wonder wat really goes through our mind when we say life is unpredictable...do we just say becoz of the moment or do we live every moment of our days in this world knowin you can just die becoz someone might throw an icebox frm the top of the floor(exaggeration but words learnt frm one of the teachers that taught me)...well i m not frust over it...i just wanna say is that...r we prepared for unpredictability since we say life is just unpredictable...how then do you live ur life...do ur actions speak of the words you say...did u really believe in this philosophy...that u can stand up and say i can take any unpredictablility...i suppose many of us fool ourselves sometimes...thinkin life is one easy and calm sea to sail on...wait till the tempest comes...its either 2 things...firstly is either u survived it...or u just let it destroy you...and the reason u survive is either u were prepared for a temptest to arrive or u just took it for granted that life is all smooth sailing...you think abt it...everyday...are u really thankful that u can breathe fresh air frm the moment you wake up...are u thankful that ur loved ones are next to you...are u thankful that all those you noe are there...sometimes in our own ways we tend to forget and blind ourselves frm seeing the big picture of life...

the reason why i say all this is that a classmate of mine one whom i wont say close but was a good fren suffered a crisis(tryin to put it someway so that it wont appear too ya...esp to my classmates i dun intend to insult or watever just wanna share wat i feel coz i just gotta let it out somehow...but do tell me if u feel i m too much ya...)...and dats why i mentioned unpredictablility...coz what happend to her(wont mention it or describe it but shall just say its a crisis) was somethin unpredictable...it just reminds me of the time my family met with a crisis...i could actually durin class recall that period of losin my grandma...ya...was tearin a bit lar...but i feel for my fren...she was durin april part of my maths grp...had fun laughin and all...she had the face of no worries always so cheerful and all...i feel for her becoz losin someone very close is something diff...i really dunnoe wat else to say...but i just hope she grows stronger frm this moment of crisis...and if she cant do it alone...then of course there are ppl out there whom she can stand on...it just brings back memories...memories of times gone by...ya....well i suppose dats it lar...anyway...i just hope she is fine ya...

anyway ya...today did my first cwo for my entire sch life...interestin huh?...unexpected...this wk 3x late compared to some who take abt one whole term to do it...haha...well shant boast coz bein late this many times is enough liao...not a good way lar...anyways after sch took pics with the guyz of my class...haha...they were so cool ya...anyway i m writtin this actually after rizal reminded me of dat...haha thnx dude...

*Just*another day in my life 5:53 PM
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.::Thursday, August 26, 2004
right now i just wonder really...that maybe i hv too much stuff to talk abt that i kinda like shove them aside...ya anyway...i suppose am gonnaa take a brk frm bloggin and focus on my stuff...ya...need this time...will return indue time i suppose...maybe for my blog anniversary comin in 2wks time...well i suppose its abt time i make use of my time ya not sayin this is all a waste of time...but anyway do kp the tags comin ya...anyway...just to close i suppose i wanna say is dat its grt to be me...haha...dunnoe why i say dat...like a phrase from sesame street or hi5...anyway...i dunnoe whether i mentioned....one of the most destressin shows on tv...is sesame street...forget elmo...but when u look at those puppets u will be mesmerised...i was...coz it was interesting how through the puppets they were able to portray feelings...i was touched by it somehow...becoz that is really some magic...unlike the no brainer cartoons...haha...well i suppose i will sign off here for the last time till nxt time i come by...gotta give my mind a rest...a lot has happend this month...ya...so i suppose bloggin is out for now...ya...be back when i feel i hv too be back...and i dunnoe when is dat...so peeps will be bloggin again...ya...do kp taggin...haha...

*Just*another day in my life 11:15 PM
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.::Wednesday, August 25, 2004
word of the day: nothing

it seems words cant form whenever i type...and dat is scary...haha...really coz nothing seems to come out write when i type...or is it dat i m worried bout wat i say might affect those who visit this place...i suppose we all hv this dilema sometimes...thinking of wat to say...knowing that those who read will hv this perception of you...its interesting in some sense that one wrong expression and a whole community can hack u down over something you said...sometimes i do wonder is it worth expressing thoughts in this very own place whereby everythin u say can be turned ard and hit you right back...sometimes i do wonder wat my thoughts do to ppl...coz i began to realise that if i write abt something, ppl always think there is really something wrong or that i m down...i mean...its implications i suppose...maybe my analysis of this situation isnt clear enough but i suppose it will come to me somehow coz i just cant write for i noe not wat to write and the reason i wrote this was becoz i...ok wait a sec...back track...

if i said i knew not wat to write then how could i hv stringed out all this words together???....hahaha...contradicting...well shant dwell on that topic anymore...well in 2wks my blog is a yr old...and ya...expect something interesting...hahaha...maybe not lar...i might revamp this site and probably work on my website at geocities...haha....anyway...ya...i suppose the topic of life if i write abt it will be kinda dry becoz ppl might get bored abt me yappin away and stuff and i realised dat maybe its abt time i change...but i suppose thats not the way...becoz i remember i said i wont compromise my own beliefs...nor will i change it just becoz i hv lost the "drive"...i hv to say this that life is a struggle for perfection...and i suppose someone helped me out to crack one of the eggs...that the reason we are all flawed is to put us down so that we can learn...the biggest flaw a person has is to say he has no flaw...and i noe i hv flaws...i hv seen em...i m doin something abt em...but yet i still hv some which i noe not...and frm every flaw i hv...i learn...and i suppose ppl arent meant to see their flaws...its either 2 things....shame...or pride...ashamed becoz the flaw is just to big and that they cant face the reality of that flaw and dun wanna show it but rather hide it....pride becoz it overshadows the person and clouds his mind...knowing that he is flawless....its plain old arrogance....there is this saying i learnt in my Saturday Bible study...the power of learning...and there is this saying the pastor said that sometimes its better to be a fool rather than to act wise....and the qn is who will be the bigger fool...learning is part of living...and surprisingly this concept of life long learning has always been there...becoz we are ought to be coz in watever we do we hv to learn something out of it rite...okok...beating round the bush...so ya...dats abt it i suppose...

"my mind seems free but yet there is this gap that worries me...is it fear...is it wat...becoz i noe something guards me frm letting this mind loose...work in me Lord...build me in your way..."

*Just*another day in my life 6:48 PM
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.::Tuesday, August 24, 2004
word of the day: complicate

*Just*another day in my life 11:04 PM
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.::Monday, August 23, 2004
word of the day: elated

here is the lyrics of a song that popped into my head...although the title is not that nice...but i guess the words somehow kinda explain some stuff. not sayin dat all songs we here speak the truth...but after some discerning...i guess its ok...but the title is kinda scary...

SUM 41 LYRICS

"Hell Song"
Everybody's got their problems
Everybody says the same things to you
It's just a matter how you solve them
And knowing how to change the things you've been through

I feel I've come to realize
How fast life can be compromised
Step back to see what's going on
I can't beleive this happened to you
This happened to you

It's just a problem that I'm faced with am I
Not the only one who hates to stand by
Complications that are first in this line
With all these pictures running through my mind

Knowing endless consequences
I feel so useless in this
Get back, step back, and as for me,
i can't believe.

Part of me, won't agree
Cause I don't know if it's for sure
Suddenly, suddenlyI don't feel so insecure
Part of me, won't agree
Cause I don't know if it's for sure
Suddenly, suddenlyI don't feel so insecure
Anymore

Everybody's got their problems
Everybody says the same things to you
It's just a matter how you solve them
But what else are we supposed to do

Part of me, won't agree
Cause I don't know if it's for sure
Suddenly, suddenlyI don't feel so insecure
Part of me, won't agree
Cause I don't know if it's for sure
Suddenly, suddenlyI don't feel so insecure
Anymore

Why do things that matter the most
Never end up being what we chose
Now that I find no way so bad
I don't think I knew what I had

Why do things that matter the most
Never end up being what we chose
Now that I find no way so bad
I don't think I knew what I had

everybody has a problem...everyone says the same thing to you...wat a way of sayin...i got my own probs to settle so buzz off k...haha...come to think of it...this song is kinda angsty...i mean think of the possible situations that may make ppl end up singin this song and using the lyrics....its interesting what bands or singers today put in their own songs...and its kinda interesting that the first thing that resonates in our minds is not the lyrics but the tune...we all can go head bangin even if u dunnoe wat the singer is sayin....well everyone can hum a tune and go la la la la....haha...and the ten te ten...ya...its intersting how music works in ppl...my bros are kinda into the cures...if its not the cures its megadeath...if not its some band on their com...haha...i mean...they sing some song bout the week and fri is all abt love???(anybody heard abt the Cures???)...hahaha...well was thinking recently abt the songs that work in me...and i find dat...ya...i hv a song...pleasant ones to the ears...and as i hv been thinkin too...love songs on radio never really speak abt true love after all...haha...well anyway...i kinda took away my song frm my blog coz of the ads and stuff...and now my com is a victim of some hidden spyware...sighs...anyway those are all material stuff...yeah...anyway to those out there who think they hv a prob...sit back and think becoz u may realise there are others out there who are facin a prb worse than u...life is like dat...and yes ppl...dun think dat whenever i write i feel down k...coz i suppose everyone noes dat i m some kinda volatile person who indulges in his own emotions all too often...but i too found out there are others who dwell in emotions they themselves dun understand...feelins that wont go...or even feelins that are yet to be found...well just hope when u feel those emotions...take it in you...fill yourself with it...identify it...then detach frm it...coz there are many more emotions to feel out there...haha...ok enough i suppose i m just speakin too much sometimes...anyway...sch...how is sch for me...well...its ok...yeah...well ciao then the world out there...i suppose i will be back and it appears that i m havin less and less to say nowadays...its either 2 things...mind has stopped workin...or mind is workin for somethin...haha...it would be interestin to find out...haha...ya...

*Just*another day in my life 10:57 PM
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.::Sunday, August 22, 2004
word of the day: hypocrisy

thinking of: Love to God

actions to do: FOCUS on the right things

tunes in my head: Saviour Like a shepherd

thought of the day: How do I cure this com...

frustrations: none so far but

how I am: been havin grt days

anymore: No...enough...

last thought of the day: well i suppose i do hv...just 2 sentences...

Day by day, I look at the mirror and see that I'm no different than the world I live in.Therefore make that difference in me so I may see You and others too.

*Just*another day in my life 9:31 PM
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.::Friday, August 20, 2004
i would wanna make this short and sweet...had a grt time today celebratin dan's birthday...cooked too much spaghetti guess its staple food for the nxt few days or maybe tomolo only...anyway tomolo...another day to look forward to...guess i m appreciating every single day i hv now...oh ya lesson of the day...

"we are walking paradoxes..."

true...well like i say wanna kp it short and sweet...ya...so explain...just check the dictionary...haha...anyway...i think my teacher and our class got a gulf...but i feel for my chem teacher all of a sudden...dat i see her pt...n i guess it has bonded our class even more somehow...well hope things turn out better...coz if i were in her shoes i think i would feel the same too...except i wont be so insensitive...well she has to learn how to trust us i guess...and i can see she is tryin...dun wan her to break down coz of us...well its life...we live we learn...we dont learn we r wastin dat oppurtunity too...coz life is all abt learnin...i dun mean frm the bks...but learnin frm life itself...ya...so i end here....yep...anyway...i wanna thnk God for everything that has happened...reli reli am thankful...will tell nxt time coz i m keepin this short ya....so take care world out there...yep...

*Just*another day in my life 10:28 PM
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.::Wednesday, August 18, 2004
i guess b4 i embark on my muggin tonite...i think i guess i better clear my mind on stuff i went through this day...(suddenly feel once am back in sch i m overwhelmed) well enough of dat stuff...well.. was blog surfin b4 this...maybe i do feel sometimes wat iintend to write really doesnt turn out right...and it rhymes...ya...reread my entries...seein frm a third person's view it may seem as though this person is down and feels he cant live up to it...well apparantly he was promotin a bk...hahaha...well no offense to ya ppl out there...anyway...i really gotta clear my mind rite now lots of stuff houndin me...coz despite the 2days off frm sch...still no use...overwhelmed...ya...guess dat sums up how it is...unsure wat i tend to write now...ya...till nxt time...hope everyone is doin fine...and i hope i m doin fine too...oh ya one plus pt...i have a pao as a wallpaper in my phone...hahahha...cool....its cute esp got a red dot....hahahha...ya...

*Just*another day in my life 6:49 PM
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.::Monday, August 16, 2004
Bought a new bk on sunday...read it till the end...and now just reflecting on it...the bk is by Mitch ALbom and the title is' tuesday's with morrie'....its a grt read abt life in another perspective....not sayin its the rite perspective...but it will give you a jolt somehow on how u live in this world...its basically abt morrie, mitch's professor during his university years who faces death any moment...and they both work together to put this last "thesis" abt the story of life...but anyway wanna highlight some key pts within the bk itself which i feel are relevant to my theme this month...in general it does speak abt life bearing more meaning...that everyone unwittingly chases their own life making themselves busy and doing things which to them may seem very impt and that they lose out to wat reli means a lot to them...i believe many of us do go through this phase whereby we move on we leave the ppl who matters most in our lives...the ppl whom you cared, loved and learnt a lot frm...the culture we r in governs how we live life...yet it shdnt be becoz we all are unique and its our choice to create our own culture not sayin that we shd rebel...but tell me whether the culture we live in today makes us feel gd...we are pressed down by this culture that sells us products that lead us mostly to unhappiness and unsatisfaction...a life for the sake of material gains...therefore why buy it...but many are not strong enough to say that this culture is wrong...and most of the time we chose not to resist becoz its the norm, its the rite thing...are u sure?....the bk describes or shd i say morrie describes ppl as "half asleep" daily following routines that in the end really dun matter...becoz in the end it doesnt matter if the busy things we do will make us happy nor would it be the success we get frm working so hard...becoz in the end watever things we hv worked for in life...mean nothing when u face death...and death is wat makes all humans equal in status...becoz no matter who you r wat status you hv...death yes its not a joke...death is wat reli makes ppl stop at their so busy lives and realise that wat they hv been labouring on for ages...wat they hv sweated out, mugged all night and day for that test...reli means nothin when death stares at them every now and then...all our lives lead to death...dont you see how volatile life is...that in a snap...you can just disappear and all that work dat u hv...is meaningless...becoz u can never take it with you...well the main pt is that when u realise u can die...wat are the impt things that runs through your mind...another thing the morrie mentions is dat "once you learn how to die, you learn how to live." its such a simple truth to discovering meaning in your life...becoz if u were given just one day to live(i noe this is so cliche and you would be gracious enough that u hv one day becoz some dun even hv tat time)...wat would u do...gracious enough for morrie he was given abt a yr or less to live and realise life as it is...and through tat period he realised the most impt thing abt life was giving...giving your time for a cause, a purpose...life if u just follow the way the world is...is very shallow...if ur life revolves ard work whereby u always noe the outcome and not ard the ppl whom you noe are the one's u can touch and make a difference yet not know the outcome and find true meanin in....then i guess life is really meaningless...not sayin taht i hv found it yet...but slowly i m discovering meanin...esp in my sch life...but in my other aspects of life...the meaning is there...i noe my life can be taken away in a snap...i noe that this pain in my head might turn out as something worse than just a simple headache(not sayin it is but who noes)....but i m assured my life has a meaning...even as i slowly discover and accept it now...but in my lifetime i will never ever for the sake of my selfishness or wat not compromise my believes, my values and this meaning...unless someone comes up to me and says i m wrong...and i guess i hv to admit that sometimes i do not live up to my own believes and values...but dat does not mean i dun hv one...living is always a struggle...a struggle to be perfect...perfect not in the flesh and blood we r made of...but perfect according to the meaning i hv found....

anyway...if u feel u want a gd read...and hv finally realised u hv time...take up this bk and read it...maybe u may discover somethin i hv not mentioned...becoz everyone has diff opinions...not sayin mine are always rite...or even the bks...thats the beauty of human beings...the choice to decipher wats rite and wrong...to analyse everythin...to feel emotions...(i noe i hv many more emotions to feel....hahaha)...and most of all i guess its to give...the act of giving...dats why i do wonder why i take a long time to type things like this out...and i guess its becoz i feel like sharing my mind to the world out there....not for my own sake...but to tell em something so remarkable i hv discovered...and i guess the choice is yours to believe watever i say...and i guess this is the purpose of my blog...not only to share my daily struggles and feelins...but to share some things so impt in my life...and dats why i say...in this journey of life...it all depends on where your heart is...(kl...i think i shdnt hv written this...head is achin very bad...)

*Just*another day in my life 5:23 PM
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.::Sunday, August 15, 2004
I dread sometimes coming here to write...dunnoe why...becoz past few days i guess i just dunnoe wat to say...i m back to my thoughts of constipation...sighs...recently i feel dat i hv been sighin alot...anyway...love the warmth the yf has...guess i hv always been a mystery to some...abt time i be open...well slowly lar...anyway...just realised dat why would i spend a gd 2-3hrs if must of my time typin out stuff here...why am i so focused on this place i noe to some may be a waste of time...why??...hahah...i dunnoe why...its just dat i feel somehow its like a channel...anyway...the drama club in aj is kinda disappointing...and it makes me feel sad sometimes that maturity is really the qn...are we youth so blatantly blinded by our own personal gains that we think of ourselves more b4 others...if i hadnt learnt this simple virtue of interpersonal relationships...i guess i would hv been one person whom everyone would avoid...now the thing is dat...as much as i m tryin to understand my own plights in life...it also burdens me sometimes seeing the plain ignorance of youths this days...take it for my jc...if its only me who feels dat we despite me keepin my mouth shut deserved that shake in our heads...sighs...saturday one of those days to note down...tragic i shall say...and i guess i wont do well for that test...didnt touch the vocab...took to long to think it out...well...gotta practice my skills of unpacking texts...sighs...well the good thing abt everything is dat i ended everyday since sat with the rite ppl...haha...really...haha...but still i just pray that i will be given the strength to endure another long wk...and i just hope that i will be able to do wat i want to do...haiz...well always lookin forward...anyway...i guess i said enough...just wanna end with a quote i made up and put on my nick once....(i noe its kinda lame but wat to do...cant stop it...sighs...)

"sigh night...sigh bright...why do i sigh so much tonigh..."

well i guess to lin....its not dat i wanna ignore you...its just dat its not like those times anymore...its different now...i cant talk to you like i used too...i hope you understand...i miss those times...yes i do...but u hv moved on...i m tryin too...but its difficult to talk to you despite you and me still being frens...haiz...i m sorry...

*Just*another day in my life 11:03 PM
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.::Friday, August 13, 2004
Thnx God for cabbies...this is a tribute to all ya cabbies out there...you all rox!!!...lol..kk..enough with the nonsense...but seriously reli need to thnx this ppl...shd have an international day for cabbies...hahahha...anyway why cabbies?? well found them reli interestin...hahahha...nah nvm enough of dat now hv an interview with my mind then hahaha...

Interviewer: Hi there MIND...How hv you been?
MIND: ok...am fine i guess...
Interviewer: RITE....
MIND:uhuh...
Interviewer: SO wats been up recently there...been thinkin(cynical stare) alot lately...
MIND:(stuttering)...No...NNNnnOoo!
Interviewer: Somethings up isnt it...right??...
MIND: I dont know...dont wanna noe...
Interviewer:You know u cant run away don't you...
MIND: HEY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN INTERVIEW NOT AN INTEROGATION!!!
Interviewer: Ok...relax relax...Now...where was I...ahh yes...recently you hv been thinkin...You hv been rite...
MIND:....
Interviewer: Answer the qn...cmon...u hv...have you...dont deny it...you noe u cant help it...
MIND: I just cant say it now...I dont want to...its just..just...haiz...forget it...ur jobs done...i dont need this interview...go...u noe enough already...
Interviewer: Haiz...what hv u become...why hv you shut urself up in that crazy place u built in you...
MIND:I just cant stand the sunlight...becoz i m so used to the cold inside...
Interviewer: Its been very long since u hv felt the warmth...you gotta get used to it...
MIND: HEY! WaT did i say...i m payin you so i dun want you to ask anymore qns...pack and go!!!
Interviewer: Is that so...haiz...welcome back to ur old shell...when will you ever get out...I noe you more than ever...
MIND:...haiz...You always noe wat to say ...but i just cant let you do this anymore to me...
Interviewer: What???...who are you talkin abt...
MIND: If I hv been robbed than so be it...but dun dwell on my feelings no more!
Interviewer: DAts interesting...come on say it...kp on doing it...
MIND: Wat I hv felt i hv kept...because I hv kept it long enough for a reason so pure...but yet kp it all has made it just...boil...If I let go...I may just be like an uncontrollable beast...the cracks are showing in my being...I cant tell you my heart no more...becoz i just cant anymore...
Interviewer: Hey cmon guy relax...
MIND: DONT YOU EVER DARE TELL ME TO RELAX!!! IT...RELAX HAS NEVER BEEN IN MY VOCAB!!!...(begins to breath heavily)...aaaarrrgh...its the tension again...
Interviewer: Oh no...hey snap out of it...
MIND: it always happens...aaaarrrrgghghh!!!....i hv lost slp...ppl do care...but do they really...like is ur concern there just a touch and go...aargghh!!!....(presses his temples)
Interviewer: Hey(panics)...relax...relax...oh no....i dunnoe wat to do....hey dun say dat...i m here for you...
MIND: I heard dat b4...dun give me promises that just fade...been duped like dat b4...even if ur intentions are good...dun play games with me anymore...
Interviewer: Hey wat r u sayin...i dont get ya...ur goin beyond...come back to who u r supposed to be...
MIND: I know wat ur sayin...maybe i dun...just go and leave me be...
Interviewer: Now now...dun judge me lest ye be judged yourself...becoz of one...you lost trust in all...you cant do this yanoe...and i m not speakin coz i m interviewin you...I care...
MIND: Heard that before...dun buy it no more...i wont be easily fooled...
Interviewer: Why are you sayin this...cant you see that u r drillin in another deep and treacherous hole...u noe u cant do anything no more to that person you care...nothin u do...nothing...let it all go...
MIND: Wat do u noe abt me!..and seriously u sound so familiar...so familiar...get away...
Interviewer:Take me as those bystanders who watch u everyday...who notice that look you always hv...who notice the real person u r tryin to show...U are aware that ppl out there care...so let them care...you are takin it on urself...
MIND: Havent I been doin that all my life...
Interviewer: yes...till u let someone care...
MIND:....i noe...
Interviewer: calm down now...its alright...you have said it all...and you noe you cant say wat u said again...its all out there...
MIND: (starts to tear)Why do you sound like someone I noe...HEy...you there??
Interviewer: I have my story now...and thanks alot to you...carry on now and tell the rest of your story...coz the previous chapter has ended...and now the next page is blank...get up now...and start writting them down...
MIND: I cant do this all alone...
Interviewer: You won't...and you noe why...there ppl there placed in ur life...u may not noe who they r...but they will come and they will go...its a matter of whether you want to find them...
MIND: What's your real name?
Interviewer: You already know it...just pick urself up...trust in whom you can trust...believe in whom you can believe...walk where the light shines...don't give up...you always had the key...and someone has always been waiting on the other side of that door...open it...use it...
MIND: I will...so wat happens now...
Interview: Thats why I hv to go now...and yes if u ever need me again...call me by my name...and i will be there...dun make urself this way...coz u may never noe that ppl out there do care...lift ur head...smile...clear yourself of everything...focus...dats wat you need...now I will take my leave...and like i said...u can always count on me...
MIND: Thanks...nxt time u come...its not for an interview ok...

Hmmm...i noe you all will be wondering...me too...still am...hahha...ya...

*Just*another day in my life 6:06 PM
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.::Wednesday, August 11, 2004
hey went to take a test...coz i saw it on someones blog while blogsurfin...ya...kinda explains the music that sometimes plays in my life...hahah...

cflatmaj

Cb major - life is full of complications,
commitments and organisation. You love to make
sure everything is just perfect, but sometimes
this can cause you to fall over your own feet.
A slightly unsociable key: why Cb major when
you could be the identical Bmajor? It has less
accidentals.

what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*Just*another day in my life 9:48 PM
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Since i last let off in thus blog of mine i just dunnoe wat to do or follow up...well shd just tell ya that rite now...i hv been havin tension headaches non-stop...and times i cant think that i just go aarggh...haha...yeah...tension headaches...and when my mom gave me a massage it kinda cooled down...yeah but it came back this mornin...anyway had a nap...headaches gone a bit...but will feel it return guranteed...well currently working on a song...so Nabil if u ever read this we need to jam soon...yeah...coz its been 2 yrs since i hv written a song...as in wrote it down and sang it...haha...well hv the chorus and two verses...just needs the bridge...yeah...well if i do get to record it will put it on my blog lar....hahha...as if...later it gets stolen and some guy sells it off hahah...just kiddin...anyway...ya failed bio again...*sobs*...haha..nah...the whole class did...anyway i will write more nxt time...for the time bein...my mind is killin me...head is achin...and i gotta agree when my mom said i was so uptight...haha...relax dude...gotta start tellin that to myself...ya...well guess got no thoughts for today...only for today that is...haha...i mean for awhile...but there is this thing that bugs my mind..nah wont share it here...its just a thought not worth talkin...unless u take a shovel and dig it out frm me...and i noe only a few noe how to use a shovel..hahha....k enough...shall go now...lotsa work to do...

*Just*another day in my life 6:33 PM
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.::Monday, August 09, 2004
Gd day world...am sitting down now in my one kind of a room after spendin the morning out with my family with our previous church...it was grt fellowship...saw the little ones i realised i missed so much...how wonderfully grown up they are...and of course they are so cute...took some pics of em in my cam...(the one in my phone)...well actually hv some where else to go to rite now lar...but somehow i just dun feel like goin anyway...well besides tat point...wat i mentioned earlier this mornin...i mean i guess humanistically speaking no man can really seek love...for the love man seek is all but a deceit and no matter how hard man tries he may never realise how selfish the love they seek...therefore that cannot be love...humanistically love is impossible...the love the world preaches is never love...it is all for everyone's own gain..and the love everyone wants...is all for their personal use...and how selfish love can be when u everyone thinks love is just a feeling...nothing real...nothing that can be seen...can be given...can be shown...love is more than just all this...i believe in my archives i did share it all out before...than why again do i share about something that people around share...it is a word misused..and i too hv missused it...misled by my belief...but i guess...ppl will never understand that feeling...if they think it is just a feeling...for love is not meant to be btw a man and a woman...the love i hv for my family is one that i hv ovelooked so far...that i realised how loving my brothers are to me...though we squable,fight or argue...we are always assured of togetherness....the love i hv frm my mom and dad...is one too that i hv overlooked...i just realised how foolish i was at times when i talk back to them and how many countless times hv i broken their hearts....yet they still are willing to give their everything...and that is love...a parents love...a fatherly love...a motherly love...a brotherly love...but despite that there is a greater love...a love that i alone am unworthy of...a love so pure that even i cant be part of it...

(i cant continue writting abt that anymore...that even as i write now...tears flow down my eyes as i think abt my life and wat it has become...how spiritually stagnant it has been that all this yrs of hearing His word i hv never come to a realisation as of now...that all this while i hv been running away frm him...and how i wanted my own way...my own life...i was like the prodigal son..and now as i read my bible...i turned to John 15...and read the whole chapter...and i broke down even more as i realised that i...have not been abiding in his word...and it is encouraging toward the end of the chapter that i should never be ashamed of believing in my God...the one and only true God...because i begin to realise that it is humanly impossible to please God with our imperfertions...for if God is perfect than we who believe no one is perfect...therefore in wat way than can we please this perfect God...and if He is our creator...our maker...than we his creatures cant do anything...and he has every right to detroy you and me...But what really made me happy was that i realised...that He is willing to stretch out His hands...and He has chosen you and me...through His grace and mercy to be His again...how wonderful is that..and he even said in vs12-14...a command, an explanation of his great love...and a promise...i know my words alone arent enough...and i noe anyone can be religious...believe in something...but for me now...i m assured in my belief...that now i dont wanna live in my old life...but a new one...that now as the tears dry up...i m comforted...knowing that there is real love...a greater love...."Greater Love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." That is why Jesus died...because he loved us...and despite everything we hv done...all the heart break to Him...all those selfish acts...everything... He is wiling to offer His hand for us to come...and I believe I have taken that offer...the offer of a certainty...this is the reason why I share this...because I am happy...blessed to hv Him...and I hope you will come to a realisation...that at the end of the day...where will you be going...are you sure when you leave this earth you will go to where you want to go...how certain are you...for i am certain...and even as I type, this offer is given to you...and i challenge you to think your life out...Is life really just abt living in uncertainty...for one thing of course is certain, death...in our 5yr plan...or 10 yr plan...hv we planned out where you will go after you die...think abt it...is death really the end to all this...but as far as I noe...My God has promised me something...so if i die...i will die knowing of His promise...)

I wish not to live in my oldself...
For I have been renewed...
A new heart is what's given to me...
A promise so eternally true...

My past shall always haunt me...
All the evil within shall manifest in me...
But I will resist for I am certain of being free...
For I belong no more to the clutches of sin...

He will help me...
Strengthening me as I pray...
Immersing myself more each day-
In His truth, I want to know more...

I know:
I will struggle..
I will fall...
I will carry on...

For He has promised...
To help me...
In my walk of faith day by day...

As I now face a new life...
He will be by my side...
And as I wish to live a new...
I will pray for all those I know...
And hope they will find Him to be true...
May He take control of my life now...
As I give it all to Him...

Thank you Lord!

(I hope you all will understand that I wrote this all because I know its true...and I hope all of you will be witnesses to what I have written in here...and I m not doin this for a personal gain...but to let the world know what I am...and I pray that I will live up to my testimony and I noe I may stumble for i m still not perfect...and I know it will be a struggle...I know that I will lose many of whom I cherished b4...so I just pray that my life would be one...pleasing to God and that He would work in me...)

*Just*another day in my life 3:17 PM
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1stly...happy birthday SINGAPORE!!!!...glad somehow to be livin and being placed in this nation...haha...anyway...had a long day today...just came back...and now am on the com typin out somethings I thought up along the way home as always...brief update...had fun with my classmates...shared some stuff with em...felt dat i really need to open up more...yeah...and i guess the topic we mostly talked was more abt relationships and stuff...the past times of most teenage ppl today...breaking hearts...its kinda weird when i heard frm one of my classmates say it...that i felt so sad that...becoz ppl take this whole meaning of love as just a feeling...well really got no energy rite now to blog nimore...had a long day...somehow somewhat...i dun feel like goin to tomolo's gathering...well...shall decide later coz i just wanna slp now...mind is too tired for thinking...yeah...anyway...just feel like i need to cry...the new song just crumbles my heart...furthermore i really felt sad when blogsurfing just now...anyway...i will continue with this tomolo...i mean later...when i wake up again...

*Just*another day in my life 12:51 AM
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.::Saturday, August 07, 2004

" I guess it all depends on where the heart is..."

This is my theme for the month to come...chose it for a reason...anyway b4 i follow up on that i shall just give you guys an update...well...this wk i think was really draining for me...honestly it was really draining...yeah...went to pasir ris park for yf, dats one of the reason why i put this title up...anyway b4 yf went to escape...well sorry to the organisers for turning up late...wanted to reach on time...but really sorry...shd've been more responsible somehow...yeah...anyway...enjoyed the fellowship...but (i guess i shant say much or the msg i say will be kinda not wat i wanna express...yeah...will talk to kt tomolo abt some stuff lar if there is the time...)...anyway its nothin really serious lar...ya...so anyway lookin forward to church...to the new week...to tomolo's class gathering(hope it really works out lar...)...for the church choir...and of course sunday sch...yeah...well why this theme you may ask me...its just dat i shd search myself again...and just stop relying on my own will anymore...for that is wat the world wants me to believe...but it shd stop...the world is a selfish place...i too am selfish in some ways...selfish that i dont acknowledge the one who really made me who i am...the one who changed me frm a rascal at primary sch to an example to others in sec sch...and the reason i m sluggish today was becoz of that...i never did treat the Lord of my life fairly...i only relied on him in times of trouble like an emergency kit nowadays...i just feel that my life is not a gd testimony to what i m...or who i m suppose to be...yeah and i guess now i m clear...my mind my heart and my soul...but i noe my understanding is not sufficient neither is yours to understand wholly true the wondrous God i believe in...and though i may be clear...it may just be a delusion cooked up by my mischievious heart...anyway...i m not depressed or wat...i just wanna give up my old life now...becoz i just alone cant take it away...the reason why i write this...is so that you ppl who read this will know...whether wat i write here is wat i practice...but when i mean change...it doesnt mean becoming gd or wat...anyone can do good or be gd...but it will never be good enough...for tell correct if i m wrong...who judges wat is perfect...whereby it is understood that no one is perfect...therefore with that understanding tell me who judges who is good? your religious leader??? your pastor??? some scientist??? your teacher???...i m not saying i m good or what...but if u qualify that no one is gd enough then wat is gd to you and me...everyone makes mistakes...everyone does something wrong...and it goes to show that everyone has fallen short of some standard that maybe you alone do not noe but i noe wat it is...for i hv wondered long enough in the wilderness to realise it and am thirsty...and just now on the way home i was thinking if there was drink that will make me not thirsty anymore...and i realised that wat i was saying was exactly wat the samaritan woman became marveled abt...not in terms of a physical drink...but one that quenches the soul...and that there is a fountain that is free to all that leaves you filled till you need no more...it may sound so far fetched for some...but i noe u may not understand the words i am saying...maybe i too may not understand all things i said...maybe its just at the heat of the moment or something...but as far as i noe...where my heart is...that is where the treasure is...and where the treasure is....thats where the heart is...and i guess all along...its where your heart is that really makes you sing out a song...and i guess i noe where i want my heart to be...definitely not in this world...well all i hv to do now...is just take that first step of faith again and i noe i cant do it on my own...and give up my heart of stone...i want to change...i noe the Lord can only change me...

anyway b4 i sign off...i have been compiling some thoughts in my head for someone out there...hope u see it as something u will kp...

Forever (-Untitled-)

It all started 3 years back

When I saw you standing beside that pole

Waiting for that bus I bumped into you

And began a journey that began to bloom

You taught me somehow to think it through

Making me somewhat more mature

You brightened my life

Making me smile like I never used to

What happened next I alone can't explain

For a friendship flourished

That became so beautiful

And we became so close not knowing where it will all go

For when i told you about my feelings

It was the spark to elevated our friendship as a whole

We grew together becoming one with our hearts

And we hoped for a future with us together

But as the times went by

We rushed it too fast

Unready for the things to come

As time went on

Things began to change

And the distance that probably tore it apart

Was probably a sign of our weak foundation

It wounded our hearts

And thats how it fell apart

For we both just wanted our own

Because of that the pain just prolonged

Leaving you the most in tatters

And I in the midst of the shatter

But then I realised something I said to you

"if loving you meant letting you go"

You wanted to move on

To get yourself back again

But I was possesive and unwilling

For like I said I wanted something too

I still hoped...

Yet I grew tired of it all

Tired of convincing you and all

Then my senses knocked on my door

"Love doesn't mean holding on anymore"

For I can't control or force you

For love meant more than just all this

For the time had come to let you go

Find yourself once again...

For it was only for the better

But I just want you to know

All the pain you caused me

Can never destroy my love for you

For I have forgiven you

And hope you forgive yourself too

And not live in the guilt you have made

For I would never allow you to

But what's amazing about all this

Is that despite taking this step down

Though 'us' won't last forever

One thing will always be...

The friendship that was always between you and me

For thats what you will be to me

No more the lover...

But just that friend whom I can count on like before

So my last act of love

Is not a kiss, not a hug none of this sort...

Its letting you go where you want to...

And understanding you all the more...

For no matter where life takes us through

It was great loving you

And its greater having you as a friend

For i guess that bond will never break between us

Forever...

I guess you guys might wonder abt this...well kp wondering haha...well to that person out there...you know who you are...all the best in whatever you do...hope that you find your life back...and if ever you need a friend i m here...and don't you ever forget me ok...haha just kiddin lar...anyway...hope you are fine...and i guess i can see you smile again...and am happy for ya...and if ever you need company...you noe wat to do...guess thats all...anyway...i guess i hv to move on too...so friend dont leave me out of in the cold like you did to some of your other frens ar...(didnt mean to say dat....but if ur other frens found out...they would feel like this too ya...) so guess gotta signoff now...ciao then ppl...anyway to that person...i guess its a whole new beginning now hey...haha...see ya round then...

*Just*another day in my life 11:11 PM
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.::Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Its interesting that subconsciously ur mind works in a mystifying way...like wat i wrote in my previous entry...not meanin to gloat or boast...but its just that i never meant it that way really...anyway...it seems rite now i m drained...i guess in everything...but its no worries...slowly filling it up again...anyway...it seems that everytime i hv an entry i hv a thought...doesnt that bore you readers out there...haha..i mean wont you think that???...haha anyway....ya....playin catch up is something...realised my value to the sch...negative siah...hahaha...interestin how the education system places values on us...deeming those who got above value...value added..hahaha...i m just laughin how insultin this is...we are after all stats and values to the sch nothin else...yeah...and if ur not of gd value...no reason to kp ya...hahaha....i still am humored at this...value added???....makes no sense...spoils the whole sense of humanity...that the measure of ones life is how "value added" he is in sch or how much PEARLS pts he has....hahahah...(hysterical laughter)....yeah...its terrible this system....how terrible to the extent i m rolling on the floor...i cant believe how serious they see this...my life isnt ruled by stats or figures...never want that to be...but in all i can do...in my best of ability...dat is how i see my life...anyway enough abt that hilarious discovery....haha...still cant get over it...haha...anyway...wat now...was thinkin...well shdnt lar...anyway i still hv to go to my bks...and ya...its late...hahah...anyway...will write again..oh yes...was gonna say this...ya...everythin i hv written is all frm me...the rest like lyrics or quotes quizzes belong to the respective owners...and ya...its intellectual rights...so if anyone wanna publish it or use it...i can say its my work...my thoughts...not sayin i m possesive or wat...but give credit to where credit s due and same will be done to you...coz who noes wat i write here may appear on someone elses site and earns a profit...yeah...so far none lar..but just writtin this just in case...yeah...just...anyway...kp the tags comin ppl...and i guess its been awhile since i hv seen familiar taggers...haha...well justin signin of...and still laughin at this stupid system...

Ps.
ya...there is this thought...i guess i m idealistic in a way...do you think so???...or am i really realistic...haha...i dunnoe just a quick thought...well more thoughts bout sch will be comin...coz sch is drainin me so bad...ya...well dats it lar..till nxt...(linda noe one thing...sometimes it takes awhile for me to ask qns at the right time...how time aligns itself ahhaha...u noe wat i mean...)

*Just*another day in my life 11:18 PM
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.::Monday, August 02, 2004
LIfe in the eyes of a Ba Pao

had this interestin chat with jane last wk that it kinda inspired me to hmm....write through the eyes of a third person...hahhaa...and guess wat...i guess i wanna do it...hahahha...ok its a bit lite hearted...but b4 i go there i just wanna say hooray!!! my team are second in floorball...hahaha...i flopped today but still scored...dat means wat...hahaha...dun mean to boast lar it was a team effort...anyway back to the main show...hahahah...i cant believe i m embarkin on somethin i hv never done b4...its so excitin...okoko...here it goes...

Life In The Eyes Of a Ba Pao(Meat Bun)

A Ba Pao's life last's only a day...
From the moment the maker forms the dough
For all his Pao's...
Only a certain Portion are meant for Ba Pao's

The hands of the pao maker are skilled
Making every single one unique
From the smoothness of a Tau Sar
To the crownly ones of a Ba Pao

The stuffing is the heart of a pao...
To the red bean, yam and chicken
To the lotus, char siew and of course
The meat...for the Ba Pao

The beat of the heart of a pao
Happens at the flick of the stove
When steam rises and warms
Eventually making the Ba Pao and his brothers....

Complete....

They are then whisked away
On mobile saunas
To places where they sit and wait
In the steam hoping for someone to take them

The Ba Pao always thinks
He is always the king...
Because of his crown and size
That even beats the char siew's dot
He always puts others down
Because he is the ba pao
King of the pao's
For he knows he is wise
That he would satisfy people's delight
But how shortsighted was he
That as he gloated and soaked in the steam
He never realised that he was lonely
As his brother's were all picked
To satisfy someone's tummy
Then they will go all yummy
As they tickled their bellies

He began to become soggy as hours went by
It was as if he was crying wishing the world to pass by
And as the sun set down
The owner of the mobile sauna
Cleaned up his stall
Went to where the Ba Pao was...
Shook his head...
Took him out and put him with the other
Unwanted food...
The Ba Pao began to cry...
As he knew he desrved better than this...
That he was the king of Pao's
Not a piece of trash
The keeper took him out with the others...
And dumped him in the trash...
The Ba Pao was terrified
For it was so dark and smelly
How he wished he was picked
How he wished he would satisfy one's needs
As he began to weep...
He heard the plastic enclosing him rip
The piercing light blinded the pao
And everyone beside him...
He saw a paw that flung him out to the road...
He knew this was his end...
It was his fate...
As the animal gnawed on his now so shabbled body
He just gave in as it tore his flesh apart
Going for the heart...
Ripping it out...
That was his end...
So he thought...
Because as always...
Ba Pao was always short sighted...
This king of the pao's...
For he never knew about the life cycle...
That he has fulfilled his purpose
By satisfying the needs of an animal...
How shortsighted the Ba Pao was...
For all his sufferings...
He never thought of such a thing...

Darn...i think that is so poorly written...shd give suggestions...hahaha...but wat i thought would turn out happy became a tragedy...how sad Ba PAo is...hhahaa..anyway...the moral of the story is...(there could be more or i may just be talkin crap)...is that we may be hoping like the Ba Pao...hoping for something great...but when we dont get it...its no use sulking and bein remorseful...for u may never know...that was not ur purpose in life...like the Ba Pao...his end was an animal's need...so in a way...dun feel bad for everything wasted...for somehow someway...there is some gd use to it...haha...cool huh....how hmmm "inspiring"....well anyway...i still wonder how its like to be a pao...sitting in a steamer all day...waiting for their turn to be munched away...wat if the pao one day jumps up and runs away...guess that wont happen hey...haha...oh well...will rite abt the ba pao again hor...hahaha...yeah...so till nxt time...

*Just*another day in my life 10:19 PM
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now in the library...couldtn find a place to slp...darn..so came here to check mail and do stuff...just waitin for time to pass...so i can play my last interhouse game...ya...guess tats all i will rite...if we win this...then confirm 2nd place...yeah...will prob blog again...who noes lar...ya...ciao...

*Just*another day in my life 4:42 PM
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.::Thnx to ya ppl...

.::memories

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.::blog reads

"Shackled by emotions within..."