.::Saturday, January 31, 2004
heyhey...guess i hv ben speakin too much in thoughts that i hv to come back and update you guys with stuff at home...well everythin is fine...dad is back...and ya...news is that my mom has to leave to US to settle stuff...and my dad will be leavin to DUbai again...ya..well thats the update here...and abt studies...well its fine...except that i hv weird lecturers and tutors...serious...but anyway wat to do...its a sch anyway...if my o's are gd...than it will be for the nxt 2yrs...ya...well anyway...nothin much to say anyway...just that i realised that all of a sudden there is an influx no. of ppl visitin my blog for the past 2 days...wonder why...hahah...who cares niway...
suddenly when i thought my darkest hr will never end...the light of day arises frm the east...the light suddenly in a wink...engulfs the darkness...and if one looks to the east one may be blinded by the reverence the sun shows upon the earth...and that is how i feel now...for first there was light that opened my eyes to see the world and the state i was in...yet i forsook the light and chose to wonder the lands...yet as i wondered i realised the warmth the light gave and how it began to burn me as i realised that not only did the light illumine the dark...it also warmed the land...but as i strayed...the more barren and hot the land became...it was burning me...but gradually as i walked...the light faded...and the land appeared to be very cool...it tempted me to walk as i saw somethin that was not there...further and further i trod...the land still cold and chilly...then after hrs of wanderin...enjoyin it...tempted by it...lured by it..then..."PLOP" i tumbled on the ground...passin out in an instance....when i woke up...i felt the most intense of pain...the light was on my face blindin me...then i realised...how powerful the light was that i was under its mercy for i hv forsaken its grace...now i was fearin it...but yet i hoped every now and then the light will forgive me...and lead me once again....so i closed my eyes...and as tears rolled down my cheek...they dried upon my searin face...beads of sweat evaporated leavin residues of it...then suddenly i felt a coldness that swept across me...as i opened my eyes i saw the calmest face...and he picked me up and carried me all the way to the path...so from that day onwards i tried followin the light..but at times i did stray...but everytime i was lead back to the road...and yet the sun still shines...but not for long...coz for every dawn there is a dusk...and it is fast approachin...
well this is another one of those deep thoughts,..so if u don't undersatnd wat i say its ok...coz maybe u may never...
.::Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Empty
emptiness is what i feel...
for something yet so near...
appears so very far...
for no matter how close it may be...
a distance still it is to me...
oh what a lonesome night...
how i wish you were by my side...
for in your presence i feel the light...
that lights the darkened path i tread...
but even so...
i still feel empty within...
for you are not with me...
though your words speak to me...
its just never enough to fill this emptiness...
I feel...
.::Tuesday, January 27, 2004
you noe wat...suddenly i dunnoe...ever since school started rite....its just like normal my brain gets into this deep thinkin process that some ppl find queer...some ppl find amusin while others dun seem to bother...i mean i just realised how complicated i am that no one appears to noe me...as in noe me deeply...i mean wat i am gettin at is that no one understands me and at times i too dun understand myself...as in my class that is...well a desciption of my class is that everyone is so stucked up with their own things...and i just realised how self-centered ppl are at times...and i m guilty of that too...i just realised that i cant be standin alone all the time in jc...i mean its not that i dun like my classmates or watever...its just that i dun really feel the connection...its as if i am some kind of anamoly...somethin not meant to be but happens to be there...i feel that way at times...and i also feel like an arts student at heart but with a scientific mind...cmon who in the right mind esp guys would say if they had a chance would take literature as a subject...+raise hand+...i would u noe...and ppl find that funny comin frm a science student....and i dunnoe what kind of perception ppl hv that bein in science u r so square that a simple poem is borin to them...even a simple word...that means a lot...is brushed aside...well all i can say to my classmates is that...u guyz may be smart...but i guess i hv the best of both worlds here...coz where you guyz fail i score...and that is feelins...well i dun wanna boast...but seriously if u noe me well enough u would just see how much struggle i hv everyday to say the right things...or to even just control my emotions...i guess bks is one thing...but i guess inner peace with a person more knowledgable than me is better...and that is somethin i wish to attain now to rest my soul...to make it serene once more...coz i know i have strayed away again frm the path i shd take...welll guess i said more than i shd...ya...well thats it...
.::Monday, January 26, 2004
ok guys...abt the previous entry...its all gone now...this feelin...just feel rite now...more calm...hehe...well really nothin else to say rite now....serious...coz this whole thing has just made me tired...ya...so the moral of the story is dun get mad for no reason or you will just be wastin energy...well take it frm me...its true....heheh...well thats all folks....
.::Sunday, January 25, 2004
I DUNNOE BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAVE THIS SUDDEN URGE TO SCREAM OR JUST BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL...ITS JUST THAT I FEEL RITE NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT VERY VERY HOT...NOT SEXY HOT...BUT HOT AS IN ANGRY HOT...I DUNNOE...I FEEL SO FRUST THAT AT THIS MOMENT I CAN JUST BEAT SOMEONE UP...OKOK...BREATH JUST....BREATH...COUNT TO 10....1..2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10...sigh...haiz...now it just feels so down so low...i dunnoe wat suddenly infuriated me...but its just that i dun have the heart to really blame anyone...coz i dun want to...i just dun wanna jump to any conclusions and yes u ppl out there pls dun jump to any conclusions....I MEAN IT!!!!...i am fine...its just that bangin on this keys make me feel better than bangin my head....:(....sigh...
i dunnoe wat went into me really...i just came home...got pissed and now i got no mood for anythin...i dun wanna be consoled coz its stupid to be consoled when i feel this way...seriously i dun wanna be like this now...not ever...i just feel so aaarrrrgghhh....sigh...watever lar ppl...just dun ya watever....:(
.::Saturday, January 24, 2004
well i guess if u read my previous entry you may wonder...wats up with him...or to more concerned ppl...oh no...he's in that state again...hahahah...well actually its just for fun really...just felt like wonderin how some ppl think...how their mindsets work you know...maybe if you ask yourself..."have i really asked those qns b4???"...and i guess analysing wat i wrote...it just depicts human pride..the pride within us that creates egos etc...well everyone has pride no doubt abt that...but wat i want to say is that sometimes we hv to let go of that pride and u must noe bein proud takes you nowhere....and i noe u may think like oh here is this guy thinkin abt pride but look at how he speaks...ya i noe...i may sound as if i m right but i m not always right and thats the diff btw me and some ppl...i wish to be wrong at times and frm there learn somethin from my mistake...maybe writin this was wrong...but someone has to tell me i am...and you know some ppl wish not to be told they are wrong...so wat do you call that???...hehehe....well i guess humans are the most diff to understand....but why do you wanna understand ppl when you cant understand urself...hahaha...lotsa thoughts here hehehe...well think abt it...
wats there to seek if you dont know wat to find...wats there to know when knowledge seaps frm your mind....wats there to realise when you think there is nothing wrong...wats there to change when you think everythin is right...wats there to decide when there is no choice.... wats there to life when there is no meaning to it...wats there to lovin when you totally dun care whether the person loves you back...wats there to givin when you know you might be losin something...wats there to share when you only have one thing...wats there to care abt when the rest of the world doesnt...wats there to believe when i can believe in nothin...wats there to expressin when you know it just leaves you vulnerable...wats there to trust knowin its all lies...wats there to all this....practically nothing...
.::Friday, January 23, 2004
its just so serene and calm that nowadays my mind is so clear and focused on what i want to do...but yet...the spirit wills to do but the flesh is always weak...its just human weakness...but when one overcomes that weakness knowin he alone cant depend on his own wisdom/strength...then he can do anything...yes anythin...hahah....yeah...well guess that's wats life is all abt...realisation...u must realise somethin...then convinced of that realisation and then believe and trust on wat u hv realised...i noe very philisophical...hehe...but nvm...
.::Wednesday, January 21, 2004
heya guyz....changed my theme song...heheh....the scientist...well abt my dilema...i hv decided to continue in drama...for the sake of me and my studies...i had to sacrifice my other talent...well...i just hope i can just play hockey leisurely...anywayz...abt my theme song...i dunnoe why i chose it....but it just brings back memories of a time i wish i could relive...heyhey...that is a reason...hehe..anywayz though the first thing that comes into your mind is that this is a brk up song....let me tell you its not....its basically abt how one feels that no bk,theorem,theory, thesis,scientist can explain wat a person really feels except himself coz he is the scientist of his life experimentin on how to live....but i guess that is too far rite....well to everythin there is a reason...to everythin a season...
well i feel kinda jolly...i guess...anywayz...either than sharin this to ya here is the song....the lyrics i mean...sing along if you want coz i wont blog too soon yanoe...heheh...anywayz...today...yes today was a grt day met up with frens i longed to meet in a while...had a grt time together...but anyways dun wanna go to detail...but ya i feel kinda heard nowadays since many ppl are taggin...to ya ppl...i guess i dun have to sound so depressed and frust that no one out there cares...but now i noe...thnx guyz....but most impt i noe someone whom i cant see cares abt me even more...ya.... ;)
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
.::Sunday, January 18, 2004
i once thought you could conceal everythin inside...all your secrets...anger...hate...distress...everythin thinkin that no one will noe abt them...i thought that was the best thing to do...coz no one noes abt it...it was foolish...i noe...coz someone else noes...noes me better than i noe myself...but as my secrets build up...i reallise wat i sow i will reap...and i noe one day some things will be revealed and i noe i will be judged by the almighty above up high...haiz...nvm...
.::Thursday, January 15, 2004
i am in a dilema...okok...befroe dat a little update...my auditions...ya...didnt make it really but its ok...it was a short time to prepare anyway...gonna try nxt yr i think...well now the dilema...now the srt auditions are done...it leaves me to my cca's i wanna take....i wanna do both u see...drama and hockey...and i dun think i will be able to cope with both cca's...with my studies to think abt...ya...thats the dilema now plus i need to make a choice whether i wanna commit myself to yv again this yr...ya...too many choices to make...yet time is runnin out to think...i hv till this sat to decide...but i dunnoe wat...i m passionate for both of this cca's...but this time in jc i wanna be very focused...coz i noe i cant be super man and do everythin...but i gotta make a choice...and i dun wanna regret that choice...so how???
.::Monday, January 12, 2004
well just felt like bloggin really...and its surprisin i still hv the energy in my hands to type after aj's hockey trainin...i was like pushed and stretched to the limit...been awhile since i had this kinda trainin...hehehe...ya...anywayz...update on me...well it seems like everythins goin pretty fine i guess...except that now i m tired like...i dunnoe just really really tired...hehhehe...
anywayz...now i finally hv a chance to tell u guyz abt the theme song for my blog...well as u noe everyone has their expectations...and the most comes frm parents...comin frm me i noe wat my parents expect frm me...but its just that i cant really and always live up to their expectations...i mean u guyz too...i mean who in this world would say i hv lived up to expectations...heheh..its impossible...anyway the point i wanna say is that...i cant be wat you want me to be..although u were the ones who gave me everythin and still are...but if one day u realise that in somethin i do i break ur heart....this song my dear mom and dad is for you...i cant be perfect because i cant be...
.::Sunday, January 11, 2004
well guess u guyz will be wonderin wat happened to *Just* this past wk...well it was a very tirin wk...orientation was like kinda...hmmm...alrite...enjoyable and i can say i hv the best orientation group ever coz the grp is full of cool guyz and gals and lamers...hahah...that's the fun part lor...niway three cheers for my grp!!! Conifero rox!!!...
ok after orientation i hv beeen practicin for my audition and today was it...well i was like a nervous wreck...but i did wat i could...did my best really...well i didnt regret anythin...they said they will get back to me...anyway if i dun get in...there's always nxt year yanoe...heheh...ya...and you noe one thing i had to prepare for this audition in less then 2wks...yeah...but i did grt...yeaha...welll prayin really if the Lord wants me to get into this its all up to him now...all i can do is just wait...heheh....
niways jc life is somethin i am lookin forward too...i noe its a bit late to say this but i believe it starts tomorrow when lectures and notes are given out...ya...well then i guess that so abt sums up my wk...and btw i guess i worry too much at times but when u realise that there is no reason to...everythin feels so fine...yeah till nxt time....
.::Thursday, January 08, 2004
yeaha...schs started and so hv i...okok...tryin to get used to all this lecture lecture stuff yanoe and stuff coz ya...anywayz...just poofed really...another 3dayz till i hmmm like audition for this thingy...restin my voice now and nothin else...ya...niways miss fajar...dunnoe whether i can go this sat???...but if i go wat am i to do there...hahaha...ok peeps keep up the taggin...yeah...well ya back to some shut eye...
.::Monday, January 05, 2004
accordin to the rite date its been like 4 dayz since i last blogged...i dun really feel bad abt it coz i m very tired...ya...too tired...just that my whole thought process and everythin is on somethin and bloggin is not a priority hehehe...yeah...niways AJ is my new sch and i feel kinda awkward bein there...i dunnoe is it the orientation prog??? or wat...its just...haiz..i dunnoe...anywayz i think there shd be other forms of orientatin J1s as they call us rather than the usual cheer, dance, and those kinda stuff...i aint sayin i dun enjoy it but 4 straight dayz of this i dun think showcases how life in AJ is all abt...i mean seriously look at it at another perspective...i noe orientation is neccessary but its just feels like as if in my whole 2 yr stay there it will be just like this...i mean the ogl's to a certain extent kinda hv the wrong focus...u noe they just want us to be the best grp etc and stuff...and they hv this expectation that we shd be enjoyin this kinda stuff....not to forget the long hrs of non-stop this kind of activities...so at the end of the day it just gives me a headache...well if i carry on like this u see that i might end up in the students council and i was kinda surprised that i am not the only one who feels like this...its not the grp bondin or the prog...its the approach of the orientation...i appreciate their hardwork but its like somethin is missin...that factor...like i dunnoe...well some say take a few more dayz and everythin will be fine...haiz...yeah...i hope so...i mean if i m just gonna be poofed for the nxt 3 dayz then i might as well just run around the neighbourhood rite...well is it really a culture at that jc to hv all this things such as the clap...dances...etc...is it tradition???...i mean with my experience in yv i question is it really necessary for this traditional yv songs, dances???...i mean ya it is inspirin but what if there wasn't any of this would it still be inspirin???...think abt it...and when u do u realise its actually a mindset...and i noe i will coz a bit of sparks coz the mindset is already there...the perceptions etc...i mean who put this perception that cheerin, dances and stuff like that is really required in an orientation???...think...well come to think of it myself i too dunnoe...i mean if i were to do an orientation that will benefit the sch as well as the students....i would just hv it run for 2 dayz and cut down on games etc...and focus on more of how jc is really run...like give them a mock time table and let them sit through everythin...and that means they are already divided into their classes etc....i noe its quite far'fetched but its a try to get out of this coz i found out not many ppl like this sort of stuff...haiz...ya...its just crazy...i think i will be crazy and with all this ideas i may just be nominated to council for bein radical and there goes my free time...i mean think...and i guess by me thinkin all the time i dun enjoy orientation coz i always hv somethin to say and to justify abt somethin they do...and where did i learn to be like this...experience and i guess its also my mindset not to hv a set mindset and to always be open to possibilities...but am i really that open???....or do i just want to be different...i dunnoe...but i'll just wait and see...and when they do hv those evaluation forms get ready spare paper coz i hv a lot to say....i think...hahhaha...yeah...guess thats worth 4 dayz of bloggin....
anywayz...away frm sch and here is my current dream...i am preparin myself for an audition for the SRT Young CO. this comin sunday and i hv to prepare like 2 monologues 2 songs and must be really just psyched up...anywayz...just wanted to tell you guyz abt this and i m just prayin for strength and guidance...and whether i get in or not its up to God above and i m just gonna give my all for this....yeah...well to all me frenz out there love ya guyz and miss ya guyz too...well thats life i guess...
.::Thursday, January 01, 2004
i guess i did have a grt new yrs eve after all with my family and the rite friends...i guess it was grt and i felt yesterday that lookin back on 2003 there were so many things...so many blessins and all...but there also many missed chances,opportunities...and i noe resolutions never work but i would like to say that this yr 2004 is a pivotal yr for myself and many...and many choices i will hv to make on the path i hv to take...i guess i m approachin the crossroads....and i m just lookin forward to another purposeful year...although 2003 was one of the best yrs for me...ya...and abt those things i hv said i hv gotten over them all i hope so...but anyway whatever it is i noe God will lead me as he has always done so...and i thank Him for the blessins He has given me as well as the trials i had to go through...its just very fulfillin in my life and i wish to carry on believin in him and bein true and steadfast...well i guess that's at all i can say for this first entry of the yr...and i guess this months theme for all those takin the 3mths course...all i can say is...
See you at the crossroads...
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