.::Wednesday, December 31, 2003
"my heart cries out but for no one
yet in my bitter tears
my grief is washed away"
seriously its new yrs eve...and i guess all i can say is that i dedicate this song to all those who noe me out there...all those ppl i noe and those who are concerned for me...everyone...besides i hv already decided that i wanna be wif my family today and i wanna spend this time wif em and just thrash out my feelins...but to all of u guyz out there here is a song i wish i could sing for you guyz...well have a blesed new yr and may ur life be fulfillin and purposeful...
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
(break and solo)
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
wat is it that i am feelin rite now...this negativity i am feelin is ruinin my dayz...its ruinin this wk...wat has triggered it...is it because of outside influences...or is it that i m abt to explode and this are the tell tale signs....or rather say symptoms...i really dunnoe...its all abt choices...its all abt pleasin everyone...its abt stretchin myself to the limit...and its just so tirin so stressfull so frustratin and i dunnoe whether to feel pissed or wat...its just that this whole month of dec...its not like it used to be...my family is like i dun noe them anymore...its like i m just lodgin and sappin resources frm a trustfund...i am just sad rite now to the extent my family looks and feels like...its just that although it seems fine on the outside and that it seems that we r all open to one another...its just that the feelin is just not there...the feelin of togetherness...i dunnoe...i feel as if its my fault...my fault that i cant go home in time and spend real time together...even just time on the dinner table is enough...but i dunnoe i really dunnoe...its horrible now...its as if i m just nobody in this house...its like i hv no connection...why...on the other hand there are friends...friends in church...friends in volunteerin...friends in sch...and its hard puttin who first in line when it comes to spendin time...it just leaves me in a fix coz i hate it when friends just talk behind ur back and say all those stupid things that are not to be said...its like "fine ditch us then..."...you know those kind of bickerin...it just irritates me to noe abt frens who just do that and i suspect i hv some who do...and i hate it...and i noe the worse thing a friend can do to me is to betray my trust and that is the worst of the worst...and i noe bein open is one of my weaknesses and that is why i hv tried to limit who i wish to be open too....anyway the point is i hate the talkin...what am i to do now...and now the thing is that who am i suppose to spend new yrs with...frenz or family...i dunnoe really...i m so in a fix now that i cant decide...and a part of me says that i shd spend it all alone in this blue room since at the moment i feel kinda blue...so i dunnoe...is the new yr cheer suppose to be like this or is there something missing in my life at the moment...haiz...yeah... my mind is just negative at the moment...and i still cant make my mind up...and that headache is back...and now after all this thoughts and feelin...i dunnoe myself anymore...i think...
.::Tuesday, December 30, 2003
well actually today was wat could i say...its one of those dayz that just don't seem or feel quite rite...dunnoe y but i just feel like this...i still feel so distant frm my fam...still...and i dunnoe y...maybe its becoz i came home late again...and i can see it on my mom's look that she is really really worried and a bit sad...ya...its just this feelin that disturbs me tonite...or shd i say this mornin...ya...its back to me old habits again...justin justin wat are you doin to yaself...well i dunnoe...niways...its almost the new yr and i really dunnoe wat to look forward to...a new sch...new ppl...new wat???....
everythin is new...but some part of me wishes it were not...some part of me wishes i was still sec 1...some part of me wishes that when i wake up after the 31st it would be 2003 again...some part of me just wishes i never get to 18 and just remain 17....some part of me wishes that i could get to know some ppl who passed me by better...some part of me wishes that somethings never did happen...i wish that i could understand why i am like this...i wish ppl ard me could understand why i am like this...i wish ppl could hv known me for wat i am...i wish...i wish...and yet i still wish...but come to think of it...this wishes are longings that i wished could hv happened again for i noe that the comin new yr lotsa new experiences i will see...lotsa challenges...lotsa ppl...but what happens to the pppl in the past...guess like all ppl we forget them...and i am guilty of it sometimes...but when i remember the ones who brought me to where i am it just strikes me again...well i dun really feel like talkin alot for i will sound as if i am preachin...but anywayz i just cant believe my life as a sec student is over...and i noe i hv blogged abt this feelin b4 but after readin lin's blog and her recent entry it just compels me to feel like this again...i dunnoe why but i just somehow feel this way...anywayz...i shall not dwell anymore in this past feelin for i noe i must put my past aside to move on yet not forget it...for the past is the path that i hv taken to reach where i am...ya...gues i hv said enough for today...so guess i will stop here coz i hv a headache to cure...
.::Sunday, December 28, 2003
ok...m back at last after 3 dayz of fun and ya fun...actually did lotsa stuff...i mean not really..went on the jetski...swam...got a bit more darker than usual...hehehe...ya and i kinda brushed up my pool skills..kinda gettin a hang of shootin balls into pockets...hehe...ya and besides dat i am kinda excited to go to sch...dunnoe why...hehe...actually anxious excited...anyway ya...forgot...my throat kinda is sore frm the karaoke last nite...hehe...very very cool..ya...i guess it was grt spendin time wif me fam...and ya i kinda miss one of them now as i think abt the last time all of us went for a big holiday...ya those were the dayz....well gotta go now then...
.::Friday, December 26, 2003
hey peeps...gonna be away for abt 3days...goin to batam wif my family for a bit of R&R...all i really wanna do is just to lie down on a big big bed with comfy pillows...heheheh...anywayz ya will be back on sunday then so just keep on taggin if u come here k...anywayz its almost sch again for me...i feel kinda anxious excited...u noe wat i mean...yeah...ok nvm then...
.::Thursday, December 25, 2003
well its christmas...yeah!!!!....well its just that the word doesn sound so special as it used to be...lookin around in town its so commercialised...sale here..cheap toys there...everythin cheap cheap cheap....haiz....ya...and ppl think its a time to be merry and wat do they do...go for a wild nite get drunk etc...think they are merry after all???...well christmas is just a word and that's how i see it nowadays...i m not joyous because of the general view of ppl nowadays that christmas is all abt santa and reindeers...snow...gifts...
Then does christmas mean to me then...well its a time for spendin with family and friends in the coming of that special gift to all ppl...well i guess to ya its just another holiday...i mean christmas is where you share the blessings that someone above has given you through his special gift to us...well to me christmas is just a word if it means nothin to my heart...coz i feel christmas isn't christmas till it happens in the heart...and i guess that if you knew the real meanin for it you will understand why you hv to be joyful and all...but like i said...though its a joyous occasion a part of me feels that there is somethin missin....well who noes wat...
.::Tuesday, December 23, 2003
*Just*'s resolution
after a long time of ratiocinating..*Just* finally decide's what he must do...what he shd feel...so this is his words to himself as he said it...
Its just one thing yet it affects alot...that Jpeg doesn't understand that i gotta do this for everyone's good...and he says indirectly that i dun care abt anyone but myself...i m doin this for everyone...not just for myself but totally for Justin alone...if i dun sit and think this long Justin will never be the same and the rest of Justin's sides will just go out of hand...so to put everythin at rest and justin's heart at rest and get everyone back on track...so the responsibility of justin's feelins is now in my hands...
so he goes...but on the way he meets Jpeg...
*Just*: hey i noe u hate me now more than ever but all i wanna say is that i m sorry...but noe this i had to do this for the good of everyone...
Jpeg stays silent...
*Just*:oh well..if u have nothin to say than i think i better move on...
*Just* starts to walkaway...
Jpeg:it better be good watya do...and i noe sometimes our conflicts are inevitable...but anyway...say wat ya wanna say coz someone out there needs to know...
Jpeg holds out his hand...*Just* takes it and holds it...than they embrace like brothers always do...
*Just*:(in tears)...i noe its tough bein here...always shiftin in moods...easily affected by events...but that's why if i don't do what i just did...Justin will never understand himself...i'm sorry abt wat happened the other time...pls if ever somethin like this happens...understand and i noe u hv the ability to understand...that i m thinkin for you and i need the space to think...
Jpeg:(smiles at *Just*'s innocence) I understand dude...and i think i kinda went out of line...so go now...before you lose that thought of yours...
They stop embracin...their hands let go...in tears...tears not of sorrow...but tears of assurance and tears like those who has met someone who thought he had lost, *Just* leaves Jpeg and goes to do wat he has to do...
-Conflicts Part 2-
*Just*'s monologue on how he feels at the moment...
its not that i wanted to be like this...its not that i wanted it to be this way....(grins)...but is someone trying to tell me something...what is it than that passed my inference...(chuckles)...stupid me...feelin this way is stupid so darn stupid...i hv screwed up everythin...now Jpeg won't come back till who noes when...so now its just empty...haha...come to think of it...Justin will follow me...like he has always done so...so what is he feelin now...oh stupid me...he feels like me...totally down...well not really down...unless i clear up this feelin his mind who is a totally opposite person frm me will make things worse...haiz...wat am i doin to him...justin's not suppose to be this way...wait a sec i m contradictin myself...(laughs again to himself)...so wat does this mean...i 'm fine???(puzzled look)...hmmm oh wells better sit and reflect on my feelins....
meanwhile at the otherside...Jpeg sulks...feeling remorseful while solely being comforted by the no nameless shyguy...
Jpeg:(sulking) Its not fair...justin is following *Just*...he is always like this...he never wants to have fun...all because of one thing he totally shuts his mind up...tch tch...i am hurt yanoe...if only *Just* can just let me once influence Justin's actions....
"nameless shyguy":now there...(blushes)ummm...i..i..noe i m not good at this...but...but...i think you shd relax...coz remember the other time something like this happened...(scratches head)....*Just* got into his deep thinkin processes of reflection for awhile...so u gotta relax...
Jpeg: That's easy for ya to say...its no fun here ok...after what *Just* said its as if he dominates this whole fuckin place...
"namless shyguy":(blushing)...ummm...hehe...(scratches head)...ya..(smiles)...you have a point there...ummm..but everythin will be fine okie...hehe...(turns and hurriedly leaves the place)>
Now is Jpeg's monologue...after the shyguy left...
I just don't get it...maybe i m not suppose to get it...its just somethin simple u see that happened...and he gets so worked up...anyway *just* better stop feelin like this coz its makin me sick...i m frustrated now...somethin that i wish will never come out...coz i m the one who controls aggression...fun...and a whole lot of high energy stuff...but *just* overrules everythin...he is the one who goes the extra deep deep of feelins...well maybe since i shd be havin fun might as well take a brk now and wait...i m so sick of this happenin yanoe...
turns and walks away to where he wants to rests...
.::Monday, December 22, 2003
-Conflicts Part 1-
*Just*: haiz...what's up with me...why am I feelin so emotional suddenly...why am i like this suddenly...
Jpeg: Yo dude....down again???...oh bummer...*Just* is down again...better sound the alarm bells...
*Just*: Shut up you fuck face!!!!...you always bug me when i am like this can't you just leave me the fuck alone!!!...are you like dumb or anything...dun you even hv feelins...oh ya wait a sec you don't...you don't hv coz ur just interested in fun and self indulgence...
Jpeg: Woh..hold on there... dun you go use the f-word on me ok coz i too hv a barrage of shitload to through on ya you fuckin asshole who always gets worked up and so emotional for no reason...
*Just*: hey watch it...you;re playin with your luck here ok...coz you don't know how it feels feelin like this...
JPeg: oh ya...now look who's feelin all selfish and all...thinkin bout his own feelins...hey u too dunnoe how i feel...
(breaks into song)
You see the prob with you...
You're *Just* too emotional...
Too deep in thought...
Too worried for no reason at all...
But as for me I relax one corner...
take a deep breath and smell the roses...
Enjoy the fun the laughter and all...
But you're wrong when you say...
I have no feelings at all!!!....
(end of song)
So you see...who's so highly strung now...
*Just*: Hey!...look...i don't have time for this so fuck off!!!...I gotta think...
Jpeg:K think then...but you are just losing yourself...trust me coz i know you as much as you know me...and both of us are Justin in one way...and if you continue like this it won't be gd for us as well as him...
*Just*: whatever...just go...i need to be alone...
hey there peeps...well bet ya guyz be wonderin how my room looks like now hey....well let's look at the b4 pic that is...
and that was how my room looked b4 and now this is how it looks after 6dayz....
well more pics of my room can be seen on my album k...anywayz have a nice day while i rest me head...
.::Saturday, December 20, 2003
hey hey hey hey....guess i dunnoe wat i m feelin write now...m so exhausted dat i cant feel myself...yesterday was like a blowout and i think i m sufferin frm enrgy burnout......and seriously my mind wants to do somethin but it cant...so today i feel like shit and yes i do...everythin is messed up now...and i gotta put everythin back and make things rite...haiz....anywayz i just wanna say dat i need rest but i cant rest, i need to finish things up but i m already stretched to the limit...so wat am i to do now...well tell ya i hv already gone down frm cloud nine....hahaha...ya its obvious anywayz...well here is a chunk of words i kinda regurgitated frm my mind while i was sleepin...
sometimes yet not all the time
peoplel judge me for what i am not
it's as if they knew me but they hardly dont
saying this and saying that
not knowing what they say pricks my heart
but why do i sound as if i care about what people think
because it don't matter right???
right...
.::Wednesday, December 17, 2003
guess wat...i bet no gym in town can give you such an intensive workout such as painting your whole room yourself and redoin everythin...yup just yourself...anyway its kinda fun niways doin everythin on your own...well...guess my heart was kinda naughty yesterday and chattin abt stuff hey....hahah...silly fella...watever....you guys might think i m startin to become schizo...anyway judgin frm today's activity wif xueping's grp...i kinda got struck on somethings that the ppl there shared...well its becoz that the place i was suppose to go but ended up late there was for those who were once mentally ill and are recovering frm it...anywayz...wat i wanna say is that the very fact that we ppl set up centres like dat for ppl who have this kinda thing...i mean come to think of it aren't we too mentally ill to a certain extent???anyway guess u guyz dun get me but its just a thought...
.::Tuesday, December 16, 2003
ikea...this one word made up of four letters...ikea...ikea...ikea...hahahhaahah....sounds as if i m obsessed wif that place...well got back frm tat place and had grt time wif my mom shoppin for stuff for me room...now the cell will turn into something more cozy...cool...yupz...renovations start tonight and yes i gotta take down everythin...will keep u guyz updated on stuff...heheheh...
anyways...u may wonder how is justin...well he's fine and he is walkin on cloud nine...feelin so fine he wished it was yesterday once more...well ya...anyways he does miss his friends frm sec sch...esp his drama buds...and his hockey buds...but anyway he just wishes that he sees them again...well he has hope and it has never withered nor has it died down because as much as he wants to see that someone again, he wants to see his friends as well...anyway he is still on that cloud up high wishing he never comes back but somehow he knows that he has too or else he will fall..."come back down justin!!!...come back!!!" coz the higher he floats the harder his fall will be...and yup time to come down dude...well guess he is listening...anyway justin is just supremely happy...feeling blessed that eveything happens for a reason...and there is a reason for everything...anyway he says i better stop talkin in the third person(i dunnoe whether its rite...i think it is...) coz he thinks its irritatin...("okok justin!!! i will stop..." looks at justin and beams...) well guess i forgot to introduce myself...welll i think i m justin's conscience but since i m so indecisive i think i m his heart....hahahah oh well i m just a part of him...anyway look at him...he's so calm...so sweet...awww....(SHUT UP DUDE!!!!....enough of that!!!...says justin) ok i really need to stop or else we will start another conflict...by the way i always fight with him over what he wants to do...just that at times he is at war with me and he brings his ever so straight and staunch mind a long...but in the end he always follows me...his heart ;) ...hahahha...ya...well b4 i pour everythin and justin gets mad at me...i think i better go hor...well talk to ya guyz soon...well u guyz can talk to me coz i m always open...well okok justin i will close now...haiz this guy...angry for no reason, worried for no reason....but either than that got reason...ooops...ok i guess i better stop now...byez...
.::Monday, December 15, 2003
The feeling i had tonight was something i wish would never end.... for someon had given me somethig today that i wish could have lasted forever....well wat to say a night to remember to reflect on and a night i will truly miss...well there will be other nites but no night will ever be the same as the one tonight...well guyz ppl friends...i am in a bliss rite now...no more frust no more angst no nothing....the serenity i feel now is not that of loneliness but that of calmness like someone had put down the tempest...well abt wat i said in my other entry its just nothin...well this thing, this joint i chose to continue to blog for...is just for letting out my emotions...well just today i m trudging on the clouds now and i wish i dun come back to the ground...well all good things hv to end...but to tell ya the truth this is not a thing...i feel this way coz someone had rekindled my light to write right again...to that person and to those ppl who are out there...love ya guyz and seriously i reallly think i m getting out of point...hahaha...sayonara then....
.::Saturday, December 13, 2003
I guess i hv finally reached a point where there is no limit in expressing my feelins rite now....i really dun care what the fuck you think u am writing and yes i said fuck coz i never said it once on this fucking blog coz rite now there is nothing much to say anyway...
If only i had something to tell you people if only i had one more something to share but i guess you people don't care because i mean nothing to you...you pieces of filth who go so head strong in your own ways of pure irony...why you ask, i may say this, because i think i cant stand you ppl out there no more for you come you go and never leave an imprint...just a word or just a sign is all i need but no...nothing utter silence is all i feel...well someone please save me from this plague of destruction that is abt to betide me...and yet when i dun feel it...its just pure serenity...sunyilah hatiku says my heart for although there are those out there who care...the others are just mere pigments stored in the brain which i can carelessly forget for nothing you ever said will ever bring me to tears for those tears are better saved for those who care not like you pricks out there who just sway away into the oblivious horizon before me...i m infuriated by this feeling but if you ppl dun show a sign or a word or just say "hi i dropped by" i guess that this domain i dreamed of having will just go to waste...so to those who care and think they do...i m sorry for this outburst but i felt i needed to...but i sound immature crying out loud like this...and i noe i contradict myself so help me cure this serenity within my soul...help me for although nothing is wrong i still feel that something is missing here...so i plead again for someone to just tell me or show me...what am i to do to this joint....
.::Friday, December 12, 2003
haiz...bloggin into my ever so boring blog...so peeps who do come by wth do you come here when there is nothin to talk abt...so for the last time someone save me frm deletin this blog!!!!...i m serious....haiz...
.::Sunday, December 07, 2003
Peeps...i m goin away for few days...wun be updatin me blog then...i mean i havent really been bloggin...anywayz peeps i need ur help whether to end this blog or to carry on...coz i feel freakin frustrated over it coz there is this missin feelin...haiz...nyway i m gone and be back on wed coz i got me camp to attend to...ya camp...dats rite...anyways dats abt it sayonara....oh ya...maybe i will just make my blog a tag central...nah...too boring...WTH!!!....okok...enough bull...k ppl if there is anyone out there...be bloggin i hope real soon...
.::Thursday, December 04, 2003
well...well wat can i say wat can i say...just that i feel that me blog has no excitement nothin...no sounds no this no that....oh ya btw...i gotta change my theme....and i think i will change it....
.::Tuesday, December 02, 2003
hey there peeps...seriously i am runnin out of stuff to talk abt so anybody out there care to suggest bout anythin...well guess not....well ya...update as usual...its borin to be me...its borin to be on this blog so i guess its borin me to the pt i wanna delete it...okok...thats the worse i can do...but niway...wat else can i say on this freakin blog...wat else...care to suggest you oblivious ppl out there surfin the web...do i have to bold everythin i say huh??? oh wells this month is the start of yv and i m so lookin forward to it...whether it is a success or a failure...it doesnt matter...kust the fact of runnin the show is enough with everythin we got is the best...yaya...anxious excited as always...
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