.::Monday, April 19, 2004 well...u noe wats the revelation today...its that for the first time my whole fam actually sat down and talked and thrashed things out...well it all was becoz of the eruption between jared and joel over the com...and ya things kinda got outa hand and my mom had to intervene and stuff...well the thing is sometimes i really hate bein the eldest coz it shows to the young ones that ur mean and cruel...well all i did was to exert my authority...and jared as always just mocks me...well he did make some hurtful remarks that which do cut deep...and it seems as though now i feel that his heart has hardened...and i just dunnoe wat else to do...its all becoz of the stupid com....the com is his life his breath everythin and all i do is try to stop this mess...coz its only today that i did stamp my authority over my bros...and boy did jared react...he cursed me like he meant it...and durin one of our struggles as in physically...we were almost goin to a fist fight...i got into a position whereby i could just swing a punch and shut him up permanently...but somethin held me...a force stronger than my anger in itself...i felt my body shakin...witholdin somethin that could just make things turn frm bad to worse...i was a sec short of gettin in my rage state again...and when i do...i just become....somethin that i wish i was not...i was there...i felt it...and i was almost gonna do it to my bro...well...the thing is i wanna say is that...somethin has to be controlled and i really been patient with my bros...its only today...just today...that it really went over board...and i hate bein the bad guy...and not sayin that i m good...coz i too hv some prob of time management too...but i try my best to keep on track...but i guess its not as easy as it seems...but one thing i just wanna say is that...i m glad i didnt throw that punch...or else the seal will be set in my bros heart never to be opened by me...and i m hurt...deeply hurt that our relationship has turned like this...but i just hope he just opens up and get his priorities straight...and see that there is more to life than just a stupid machine...and i guess it was only rite to tell my mom to change the password of my dad's account...and to lay the rules down once again to my bros...not sayin i m better than any of them...but they are diff in their own way...but i guess with my dad away...i gotta somehow just stamp my authority...or else my bros will walk all over my mom again...and i dun wan them to do that...and i hope they better listen to her...coz they better understand what she is goin through...anyway...abt wats goin on with my bro...its always been there...and i guess there is not much i can do but just pray for him and myself...well....guess that lightens my heart for tonite...and guess its a new day today...
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