.::Tuesday, May 11, 2004 the last time i ever wrote was 8 days ago...and i guess by the time i finish that would be 9 days ago...anyway...for the past wk...it was tirin...just tirin dats all...doin drama rehearsals almost everyday till 10pm...ya...dats how bad it is...sighs...ya...and i just realised one thing that has been buggin the entire performance...honestly...after today's session...and for the past few rehearsals... i didnt feel skin deep like i used too...i dunnoe why...its like a whole stump of negative energy was circulatin me for the pass few rehearsals...i dunoe whether i gave it out or i absorbed but i noe one thing...i didnt feel the play...and ya todays session i guess showed it...it was really thrashin time from our trainers ms wong and helmi...they really thrashed it out...honestly tellin us whats wrong and they are doin the extra thing for us to look goood...wat was sad today was that 2 of my friends...didnt feel gd...one collapsed durin rehearsal and the other vomitted...i shall not name em...coz i feel its not rite...anyway...i just feel disturbed abt the one who collapsed...he i felt has somethin goin on in him...i dont mean to say it...coz if ur readin this dude...dun hide ur feelins inside coz it hurts i tell you...it hurts...and dun kp it to urself..its not rite...ya..its just that the past few rehearsals i hv been noticin this in him...this feelin...his energy...ya...well to make the day even worse i blew up at my bros...again...sighs...and worse thing is that i guess i m hurt rite now more than ever bout wat my bro said to me...that he would rather live without seein my face...and i dun believe wat he says...coz i dun wanna give up...he thinks i dun care...he thinks i hate him...but he doesnt noe the pain i carry everyday knowin that nothin i do can ever convince him that i care for him...he finds that all my actions are against him...and i m hurt bout wat he says...if someone close to you tells you to die...how does it feel...how does it feel when he says that he would rather live without you in his life...but the thing is i just dun believe him no matter wat he says...coz i dun wanna believe it...coz i do care for him...maybe he doesnt see it...haiz...i noe this prob has bugged me eversince...and he noes me better than this...he noes that i can beat him up if i want to...but i didnt...everytime i talk to him...i try to control...i just dun wanna hurt him anymore...despite his defiance or wat...i just wish he understands wat he says...for i m sad...and hurt by wat he says...and i noe i m just rambling on and on...well...wat to do...he's my bro..gotta live with it...but Jared...if ur readin this...dun accuse me that i dun care for you...prove it...dun just say it without any conviction...but if u still feel hardened against me...than so be it...i shall just live with the pain of knowin that someone hates me...and the worse thing is that its my brother...someone who thinks i dun care for him...i m sorry bro...for everythin...
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