.::Friday, July 02, 2004 well...i guess...u guys will be wonderin what in the world i will write in hear...and ya i hv been thinkin(alot btw)....i mean just cant help myself frm thinkin...its like so many things cross my mind at one time compounded by one big explosion that offset me this whole while...though i hv motivated myself to carry on, one thing does hold me back...well i dont wanna discuss that matter not that i dont want you guys to know...its just that i m in my own ways i guess...fallin apart like a buildin with no stable ground to stand on...it sounds as if i m lost...i guess i m...i m like sinkin yanoe..but i try to hold my head up...well i guess if i told you the prob..it may sound simple but maybe i just complicate matters and make myself more miserable...anyway...i guess i maybe the biggest hippocrite(dont know if thats spelt correctly) or is it hypocrite???....ya...watever...i mean...i tell ppl not to give up and all and to always find a way for themselves and yet i...cant do it...well anyway i guess u too are kinda confused as to why i am thinkin like this...and one thing is that...i guess i just like this sayin i recently heard frm somewhere..."brilliant but lazy..." i guess thats me...brilliant when needs be...but lazy all the while...well maybe not...haiz...watever...after 17yrs and 340 days of life...i still fight an inner battle in me...fueled even worse by what happened a wk ago...well guess its another episode btw -just- and jpeg huh....well anyways...guess i shd belong at the very corner of imh...for a split personality and get drugged becoz my "brilliant" mind dont wanna do nothin...well maybe i m just escapin...maybe i might be blamin...there goes my conscience again...coz somehow i noe wats wrong with me but yet am unwillin to face it...and i tell u if u ask me wat i said on this entry and why i said it...i will say...with that awkward look...huh???...wat u mean??...the reason is that...i guess wat i say here i dont really mean...or maybe wat i say is wat my mind thinks and wishes to get rid of in this bottled up mind of mine...unless u didnt know that i am one person who is one hec of an emotional bum...ya...thats me...emotional to the max...anyway...i guess its not very me to say all this...maybe its just this or that...maybe another possibility...well...guess...i am back at sq 1...isnt thinkin so tirin...well tell me abt it...since the day i kept inside me all the muddled up feelins and occasionally lash them out at my siblings...i guess thats another side u may not noe...well i guess its my nature...the way i m...sometimes i wonder...where am i goin...all this studyin and stuff...where am i headed...now as i think...and try to access my thoughts under the category 'dreams and ambtion'...all i see is just a blank...i thought i had one b4...where is it...where has it gone to...well...i guess i shd stop now coz my chain of thought will never end...wat i m writin here is wat just comes out...i dont plan them...its just wat i think at the moment...wat i feel...well...anyway...like i said...if u ask me what i wrote here...i guess its just short term...this angstiness of me...i guess thats wat we teens are so full of...bein exposed to angsty music abt runnin away and isolation(here goes my stupid so-called preachin as one of my best frens mentioned)...haiz...anyway...guess theres lots more inside my head than i thought...haiz...i mean...think abt it when i grow up and hv a job and i m like this...guess that room in imh is ready for me better reserve it b4 there is no more room and they ship me to some remote island in indonesia...haha...watever...i noe wat ur thinkin...i m just hmmm...i dunnoe...well how many times hv i said enough already that i want to end?? i wonder...none stop now...i just cant stop my fingers...
ok they started again after hmmm 30secs????...ok maybe that gap wasnt convincin enough coz this wasnt done in real time but anyway it does hv an effect...anyway...one thing i just desire rite now is to put my mind in rest...stop all this thoughts...coz i m a danger to myself and those close to me...and yes its true yanoe...i dont wanna be a so called ppl or social hazard...ya...anyway...i m done...
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