well really aint really hv nothing to say in this place except tat its tiring dats all...past 2 days been passin out in sch...in other words dozin off for no reason...i slp particularly early but yet still doze off for no reason...sighs...darn dunnoe wats up...its just dat i realised dat there are many things that i myself hv to look into and ask for a change in me...the bond that was once strong is broken and now is undeniably out of place...but in my heart i am praying deeply that this feelins i hv planted in myself will go away and i myself hv to learn again for i unconciously realised that those that are close to me are not really close to as they seem...and i guess it shows...esp when my dad mentioned somethin that i myself agreed to it...that maybe i dun like comin home or prefer to stay out becoz i dun really find the warmth of the family...and i suppose partly that is true...but anyway i noe i cant change myself alone becoz i m weak...and its only by God who can strengthen me to be what he wants me to be...and i suppose it all comes down to the basics of everything again...the part that i hv hardened needs to be broken down...the part that is cold needs to melt away...the thorn deep within needs to come out...so i am now on my knees praying that ties that matter dont disappear...becoz when all is gone in this earth and everyone turns from you...the ties that bond are the ones that will hold you...and i suppose this yr is just one of those roller coaster years...whereby i m goin through my darkest phase in life...and i suppose that is it...i m goin through a test...and i still hv to overcome it...becoz i noe there is never a time where i can just sit down and rest for the ultimate goal is the rest in eternity...
i suppose its true...i set standards...and when ppl dont meet dat...i get mad...but who am i to judge..becoz a mans standards is all foolishness in the eyes of God...its pure foolishness...and i admit i rather be a fool than one who acts wise...for if our standards are the best wat more is God's???...i took a lot of shaking of my conscience during one of the devotion times with my family...and it was a good pounding by my dad...and it startled me wat is going on...and i suppose i gotta get right back to the basics once more...and dats why i need You dearest Lord to lead me in this life....
anyway exams nxt wk...really shakin...coz its been a terrible yr for me...and i hv this feelin of not makin it for nxt year...but i just gotta double up coz i want to get promoted and prove my worth to that sch of mine...coz it has beaten me down again and again...not that i hv anythin against it...but i gotta prove to myself that i can do it this time...with the time left...i m thinkin...is it enough time left for the confidence that i kinda lack as that day comes by?...am i diggin my own grave...well kp me in your prayers...coz i noe i can do this....
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