many things running my mind now...many i tell you...it was not till recently tha my mind has been rekindled like this. and its ironic how things turn around at you...i m learnin more abt myself tat in me there is not only an emotional person, a nonsense fun lovin person...but i realise that there is this other part of me...shall call him stin whom i will say is currently in the drivin seat...he i guess is the kind of bo chap happy go lucky kinda guy with lots of energy and drive...and it surprised me to noe that no wonder i hv stopped worryin...and wat shocked me even more was that i kinda liked it...and neither did i noe that bein this way was makin me sink even more...i noe i did mention abt me findin a reason...i did...still holdin on to it...and at that same time...i kinda shut off a part of me...an impt part that draws the line of seriousness in my life...becoz i realise that nowadays i dunnoe when to be serious and not...and it just is horrible, terrible and attrocious being like this...becoz its not me to be insensitive at times...i suppose since the recent shake up...and todays defrosting of that frozen part of me...i m beginnin to feel again...the feelin that has kept me goin on through this years...although the flame is not burnin brightly...its glowin in me right now...its this balance i hv yet to find becoz i had it before...its just dat now i m losin hope of somethin and at the same time lookin for one...i hv begun to set targets for myself..and with the time i hv...i dunnoe if they can be met...but how will they be met if nothin is bein done...i m disappointed in myself this yr...honestly truthfully...really am...and i noe i m a disappointment to those who believe in me...coz i noe there are ppl who see me as someone better than wat i really am...i noe deep in me....i m better than this...but its no pt now just talkin and talkin...coz thats wat i hv been doin all this while...i need to move...i need to stop bein sluggish...i need the push...coz i m afraid of not livin up to my own expectations...becoz i noe myself more than ever( do i???)...sighs...that is wy now i need ppl to remind me. ppl to remind me of my priorities...ppl to keep me frm floating...a sheath to protect me frm myself...its ppl like this that lack in my sch life...and it has always been that constant reminder that kps me frm runnin in circles...becoz i believe i hv ran a big lap in the same place...now with the time i hv left...it is no longer a marathon...but a 5000m run...whereby i hv to kp up with the pack...and i realised this yr i hv slipped durin the race...and rite now am givin up though many may not hv seen it in me for i believe its my defence mechanism to put up a facade and cover it up thnx to the new me... but somehow there is this voice that continuously pokes me to not to be like this...n i m thankful that reality slaps you when u think u noe wat it is...and i hv been slapped by it...and now knowin this flaw...i hv learnt somethin new...and that somethin new has awakened somethin that has always been in me...
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