well...i guess its no pt keepin everythin inside and just let it implode/explode all around...well i suppose you all may be wonderin wats been goin on...well just to tell ya one thing...i didnt do wat i was suppose to do...coz this yr like i mentioned is one of the times of trying whereby the result is wat i m facin now...well i shant blame circumstances nor any other factor that is neutral...all i can blame is myself...*btw u all maybe wonderin what am i yappin abt...well i noe nowadays news travels quick...real quick...and i suppose word has it that i may retain...and yes its true...i m retainin...i m...*honestly everyone would find the nearest thing as their excuse...while those who were askin for marks in desperation to go to j2, i just stayed calm and accepted everythin as it is...i mean...i noe myself better than anyone...and i noe the reason why this happened more than anyone else...i noe...and the thing is that i realised was the beauty of life after all....that despite this let down..*major blow that is...coz never in my life have i been in such a situation*....life goes on...i mean things happen...they are there for a reason...there to teach us...there to make use learn somethin...and i did learn...learn that i could hv done better had i noe lost that inner motivation in myself...how i lost it was due to my own doin...this yr as is one of those yrs where i learnt lots of things abt myself...really lot...coz i discovered that i live to standards...and i hv my own and i expect others to meet up to that...then if they dont...i feel bad...and i mean when my dad told me this...and said that wat is our standards compared to God's...and tat was true...and it applied to me when i said i had no frens or found it diff too...coz i let the environment take control...and it was foolish...becoz after all i m suppose to be the one in control...becoz the environment is afterall neutral....and another thing was that i depended on ppl...whereby being human...ppl can never satisfy us...for we are all not perfect...and when that happens i just lost it...i let all the external affect the internal...i let it rust my inner being...i let it rot the inner frame...and i suppose another factor of this breakdown...was that i had expectations...i suppose my expectations on a person, friend is so darn high...becoz i expect ppl to be like me*scarry huh???*...expect to be treated the same way i treat ppl...and in helping ppl i fail to help myself becoz i thought there would be someone who could do the same....and in doing so, this leads to one of the main reasons...i forgot who i can trust...depend and know will never fail me...for He is always the same be it yesterday, today and forever...when that happened...things fell apart...and i suppose we dont see it till we are left in such a bad state...and i suppose that is one way God teaches us...and He did taught me...i realised many things...and now knowin i will be facin a situation, a stigma...whereby everyone moves on while i am back where i started...i noe i could wallow in this sadness for all of eternity...but as my dad said...i hv to resolve this...he said i m wise enough to noe wat to do...and i suppose the wisest thing i shd do is to seek God while he may still be heard and never lose sight of him...and to pick myself up again...because honestly i m broken...my spirit is, my morale is, my everythin is and if i still chose to wallow in that and just give up on everythin...i hv already conceded the war...becoz this battle was lost merely not in numbers...but in the mind...i caved in like i said...and now i wanna pick myself up...and i would need all the support i need...and even if i dont find it...i noe He will carry me through...all He asks is to hv faith...becoz He is faithful...and i noe i havent been doin my part...i hv disappointed many...and most of all me...but wat really is movin is how those who believe in me...still dont doubt me. though i hv let them down...they are still behind me...and i noe wat must be done...and this time i wont deceive myself like i did the last time...pray for me ok...and i noe its gonna be difficult...but the good thing is dat i hv the j1 syllabus in my hands...and i gotta understand it all by year end...and with the time i hv...i gotta start plannin...and i gotta think of other things too...also i noe someone is feelin like ur being pushed out...well dun think that way...and i suppose ur kinda sad too ya...also this goes out to another fren who i noe is out there...all i can say...u noe...watever u do...u must be reli sure abt it...becoz in the end...u must be sure where you will go...take care ya...anyway...i suppose its abt time i let this out...coz i dun wanna let ppl find frm the backdoor...rather hear it frm the person himself...well...on just to let ya noe...on monday gotta meet the principal...yep...dats abt it...
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